I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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