Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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