kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
