i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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