Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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