So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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