my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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