Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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