First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
