I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
