Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
