my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
