Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
