So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
