you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
When are your genitals available?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
