she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
