My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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