she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
