If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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