do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
