my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
