Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I want to be your penis for a week.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
