Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
