I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
