We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
