I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
