Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
