Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
