i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
