Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Less talking, more tequila
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize
