forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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