I cannot find my penis.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
