His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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