You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
