im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
