found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
