The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
