I'm gonna have a badass scar
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
