I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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