true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You are the jesus of drinking
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
