dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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