My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
