yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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