If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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