i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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