Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
