Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
