also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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