If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Can I color on your dick again?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
