Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
