I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
